-I have no idea-

Davinia’s painfully correct.

We were talking yesterday during art, and she thinks that I dont have a direction in my life. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what I want to do after I’m done with school, heck, I don’t even know what to do next! Studying is so… it’s just a stupid routine. No doubt a routine that benefits and will eventually get me somewhere, it just feels so empty. It’s just squeezing information into your head.

There’s just so much knowledge, too much to commit all to memory. There are times I question why I go to school. Why I pay attention during class, why I do my worksheets and write my essays. What am I going to do with all this, what is God going to do with all this??

School’s more than just that of course. There’s friends, enrichment activites etc. But why do I have friends? I have come to accept that the non-christian friends are there to help me in my spiritual growth and to provide some kind of company in this @%&@ world. The non christian ones are there to be saved. To be loved. And my evangelism is not going anywhere.

I have no direction. Really, my vision is blurred, and I can barely see what’s in front of me.

I’m in a car, driving, knowing my ultimate destination, But having no idea how to get there. Which turns to take. The rain is pelting down on my windshield, and my head lights are not working, and I might just crash anytime.

It’s kind of depressing actually.

Then she said something that really truly made my day. haha. I feel that I’ve never really contributed to our friendship. I just talk ‘lamity’ [yes I’ve finally mastered the art of talking about NOTHING!!! :):) ], proclaim my greatness 😀 and… crap. Or I rant about my sucky results.

And then she said I’ve been a real friend and a real blessing.

And that was just. It was better than receiving a daisy 🙂

Okay, my life isnt all THAT terrible. I’m actually feeling rather content now. I really think that I’m becoming more independant – from the things of the world. I was walking home with pearlyn and jeanette today. Even though there were a few moments I felt rather left out [cmon, we were a 3 man party, someone’s BOUND to be left out], but what was new was that I no longer felt the need to compete for attention. I was pretty much comfortable, and when I spoke, there was no intention of drawing the spotlight to myself. It used to be that way you know haha.

and I’m actually feeling free. Or empty. But I’d rather look at it positively. I feel light. I’m not tied down by anything and anyone. For the first time in my life, I don’t have more than 3 big commitments in my life. Now its just God, school and church. That’s it, there’s no particular friend, no particular boy, nothing.

Commitment to God would be my behaviour, how I carry myself. Trying to control my language, I’m trying very hard.
School- studies duh.. sigh haha. But then there’s debate! and my friends as a whole.

church – whee church! need I say more? 🙂 ❤

I dont feel tied down at all. haha. I’m feeling really good. So this is what its like to live ur life one day at a time.


We went for the briefing on our subject choices yesterday. Hmm. Pretty confusing.

I cant decide whether or not to take physics chem or chem bio. To take full lit or full hist. whether to make humanities my priority or sciences.

At least I do know something, I dont want to do anything in the science related field haha. science is just not my thing. 🙂 I cant believe I’m actually okay with that. haha…

I want to do public relations. Its that or work in the church or something. We’ll see 🙂 Like I said, I have no idea. See where the wind blows me.

There’s the sec2 adventure camp tomorrow!! 🙂 ahah! I’m very excited! We’re doing dragon boating tomorrow 🙂 Never done that before. But I think it’ll be fun. Time to build up my physique.

Funny. for the first time, I’m not worried that I screw up or that anyone finds out that I’m immensly weak physically. Nah, heck lah haha:) Dragon boating involves so many pple. Hopefully no one will notice. 😀 Then kayaking, I’m most likely partnering Gek. So even if I’m very tired and am unable to peddle any longer, she’ll be there to be thebackup tyre 😀 ahah. So strong mah.

I think now she’s regretting she agreed to partner me haha!

I’m also quite happy who I’m sharing tents with. 🙂 Quite disappointed that I didnt get put together with gek and all that, but there’s the likes of tammie, debbie, vanessa… it’s going to be fun! 🙂

Being optimistic is always good. 🙂

at least when I listen to love songs, it doesnt hurt anymore

-All the little things-

Some OM pics

We worked long and hard for this day. I am delighted honestly! 🙂 We did so well, no major blunders and we were given an additional 3mins to set up thank goodness! although the room was relatively big and some of us were soft, it doesnt matter.

U did ur best and it came out right and that’s what matters.

I really dont care if we make it or not. All I know is that it was great, we enjoyed ourselves and we’re just glad its over. 🙂 GO PYRIMID EVOLUTION!!

Us as a group – all smiles

ME and the lovely Lynn

Fooling around 🙂

The gorgeous Danitza

And the lovely Sasha in her own costume 🙂

whoohoo! 🙂

-Brighter than sunshine-

Brighter than Sunshine – Aqualung

I never understood before
I never knew what love was for
My heart was broke, my head was sore
What a feeling

Tied up in ancient history
I didnt believe in destiny
I look up you’re standing next to me
What a feeling

What a feeling in my soul
Love burns brighter than sunshine
Brighter than sunshine
Let the rain fall, i don’t care
I’m yours and suddenly you’re mine
Suddenly you’re mine
and it’s brighter than sunshine

I never saw it happening
I’d given up and given in
I just couldn’t take the hurt again
What a feeling

I didn’t have the strength to fight
suddenly you seemed so right
Me and you
What a feeling

What a feeling in my soul
Love burns brighter than sunshine
It’s brighter than sunshine
Let the rain fall, I don’t care
I’m yours and suddenly you’re mine
Suddenly you’re mine

It’s brighter than the sun
It’s brighter than the sun
It’s brighter than the sun, sun, shine.

Love will remain a mystery
But give me your hand and you will see
Your heart is keeping time with me

What a feeling in my soul
Love burns brighter than sunshine
It’s brighter than sunshine
Let the rain fall, I don’t care
I’m yours and suddenly you’re mine
Suddenly you’re mine

I got a feeling in my soul ..

🙂

-QUACK-

I don’t know. Maybe I’m just going through a stage of temporal insanity or not, but I’m obsessed with ducks quacking and geese honking, among other ridiculous and xrazy things 🙂

It’s just me and the negative influence of Davinia, the girl [or so I am told] sitting behind me 😀 ahehe.

Uncle Thomas is back again! He arrived yesterday night and is going back on friday night. -.- He likes to go on and on about how expensive it is to come to singapore. and he only stays about a day each time he comes. Haha! Well. I do hope I never have to work overseas next time. Or rather, if I do, I will take my parents with me. Uncle thomas actually comes back to visit his mum.

I actually really like singapore. Wont want to leave anytime soon 🙂

I’m feeling very inadequate now.

I am a hard person to work with. And as I reflected on my day, and what I said in the course of it just now when I was doing the membership sign [$@#$! it’s so flimsy it cant stand!! ARGH!]. And I realised that sometimes, I put others down just because it makes me feel slightly better. boosts up my ego a little, helps me run away a lil from my shortcomings which I must emphasise are very real and… prominant.

I think that makes me a horrible person.

And although I keep on saying I will shut up and saying that I will try, when I come to the junction – when turning right would be to loose my temper again and make everyone upset, or to turn left, and just keep quiet and OR try my best to reason with them.

I always turn right. out of the ten times I may have come to that junction, I only turned left… once? ahah! how pathatic.

I need this song…

What to say Lord
It’s You who gave me life and I
Can’t explain just how
Much You mean to me now that
You have saved me Lord
I give all that I am to You
That everyday I can
Be a light that shines Your name

Everyday Lord I’ll
Learn to stand upon Your word
And I pray that I
That I might come to know You more
That You would guide me
In every single step I take
That everyday I can
Be Your light unto the world

Everyday, It’s You I’ll live for
Everyday, I’ll follow after You
Everyday, I’ll walk with You my Lord

It’s You I live for everyday
It’s You I live for everyday
It’s You I live for everyday

forgive me. although I dont deserve any of it. okay PROMISE i’ll shut up tomorrow. really. ZIP. if I dont shut up, u can slap me and… erm….I’ll treat u to ice apple tea???

CRAP

-Indescribable-

Kudos to Marcus for teaching us this wonderful song and for telling me its title so I could google it:)


Indescribable – Chris Tomlin

From the highest of heights to the depths of the sea
Creation’s revealing Your majesty
From the colors of fall to the fragrance of spring
Every creature unique in the song that it sings

All exclaiming
Indescribable, uncontainable,
You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name.
You are amazing God

All powerful, untameable,
Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim
You are amazing God

Who has told every lightning bolt where it should go
Or seen heavenly storehouses laden with snow
Who imagined the sun and gives source to its light
Yet conceals it to bring us the coolness of night

None can fathom Indescribable, uncontainable,
You placed the stars in the sky
and You know them by name
You are amazing God

All powerful, untameable,
Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim
You are amazing God
You are amazing God

Indescribable, uncontainable,
You placed the stars in the sky
and You know them by name.
You are amazing God

All powerful, untameable,
Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim
You are amazing God

Indescribable, uncontainable,
You placed the stars in the sky
and You know them by name.
You are amazing God

Incomparable, unchangeable
You see the depths of my heart
and You love me the same
You are amazing God

You are amazing God

This song speaks of God, all His power and might, Him in all His perfectness. There’s no one on earth who loves me like He does. No one who deserves my love more. And despite all He’s done for me, there are times when I forget and hurt Him. With my words, my actions, my attitude. Me and all my mistakes, those I admit and those I dont.

What will I say if I were to meet Him now?

I dont know. I love Him.

Yet I dont love Him enough.

I love Him.

Yet I’m not doing much about it.

Yet I’m not showing it.

Lord help me…

I need to buck up in my studies. I work so hard, yet get back crap marks. I’m not studying right… sigh.
Enough of ranting.

iloveYou.andyou. ❤

-Weary-

I spent practically the whole day doing OM. okay I did spend the whole day, except approx an hour on the net doing today in history for the NE board tomorrow.

Very tired.

Stinky

Sweaty

And what not.

Hmm.

Well, went with Lynn to Bras Basar to buy the materials for our membership sigh. We talked alot, so I guess it wasnt much of a chore. But all the laughing did not, however, allow me to forget that I was carrying 2 kg’s worth of salt and flour in my bag [which we did not put to use in the end lol] and 4 gigantic bottles of poster paint. My arms were aching. They ARE aching. haha.

That reminds me that I have non exsistant muscles.

You know what Danni told me and Sarah yesterday? She said do 60 leg lifts and 150 sit ups a day and something else and u’d get abs in 2 weeks.

!

Even if u dont, u get a flat tummy.

Bonus! If ur tummy hurts when u eat, that’s good! cuz ur abs are growing.!

… I wish I had that much discipline haha. 🙂 I’m kinda happy with my tummy. I’m actually okay with my outer appearance. Its what REALLY IS that I’m unhappy and dissatisfied with.

I’m terribly unfit, and they raised the requirements for the females. Arghhh.. So scared I’d not make it for a gold. must workworkwork and excersise.

It helps that our club revamped and the gym is real nice. [although I havent exactly familiarised myself with the equipment yet :P] and the pool is marvelous. There’s jacuzzi and all that. Slides!! [although I’d most probably get stuck haha!]

We just did alot today lah, but the MUSIC made it more bearable:)

We played the A Walk to Remember soundtrack!!! :):):):) didnt know that Vanney had! wow! and most of the songs were sang by Switchfoot and they sound so good! didnt know that it was them hee! 🙂

Having a slight headache crapppp

-It will be empty-

it will be different. dont leave, please. but u have to, I know. I’d like to believe that if u had a choice, u’d stay, for us. Fat hope haha…

Well, there’s still time to be nice to you. To smile for you. To try my best for you. To make you proud. To make you laugh to make you smile, to make this all memorable. Dont forget us. We wont ever forget you.

I sound like ure dying 😀

Please come back.

geog was fine haha. considering all my last minute preparations.

the capital of Mongolia: Ulan Baktor
” of Brunei: Banda Seri Bengawan
” of Laos: Vientiane

blah…. 🙂

chinese. no comments. for the cloze passage, i didnt write the words, i wrote the numbers even though there were none. I’m dead if she decides to mark me completely wrong. 10 marks gone and the test is upon 40. 10 marks just like that! Gone!

In trouble…

The SAF singing people were here today to perform during assembly. and almost thruout their performance I had this -.- or 0.o or 0.0 on my face. There was only one guy talking most of the time[david], and he was more like doing an advertisment on ACS boys. -.-” lol. haha. he told us a story, about a girl he knew at JC who fell for a cat high guy first. then an acs boy [he highlighted specially that it wasnt him], then came another acs boy, and then another guy cant remember what sch. haha. and the whole point of him telling us that story was to tell us that we are heartbreakers.

-.-

haha. lame! but they can sing lah. I thought the small guy, a baritone called John sounded the best although the two acs boys [they highlighted that to us] david and jonathan were the ones singing lead.

HAHA, david is a high tenor and I cringed when he went high haha. sounded gay lol… 😀

okay enough abt that.

vday’s tomorrow!!!

HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY PEOPLE! I LOVELOVELOVELOVE U ALL!

Jesus is my valentine this year. You are the lover of my soul, thankyou for being here for me, always, even though I’ve let u down countless times. I love you so much, but its less than u deserve. Please help me to love you more and to make you the centre of my life.

dreaming about daisies 🙂 hee

I have been posting vague and fairly meaningless entries I apologise. I have been dreadfully busy and am trying to catch up on my reading. 🙂

I finally found books by Jeffrey Archer! I was delighted when I spotted his books in my school library. I have been searching for his books [particularly the prison diaries] in the national libraries. Despite saying that they are available, I can never find them on the shelves. Hmm. The catalogue is not reliable. -.-

But in my school library, there are what, 5-6 titles? I am quite occupied at the moment and although I was extremely tempted to borrow 4 books, the maximum number I am allowed, I wanted to be realistic and borrow only 1 – the prison diaries book 1. Afterall, I have 4 more books on the shelf [from the national library] waiting for me to read. I am currently reading two books at one time 😀 hehe.. The other one is The Last Nazi by Stan Pottinger. hehe, I am overly ambitious I know hee.

‘Hell is an interesting read, very humourous. He writes 6 hours a day! Amazing! If I were locked up and had that much time, I’d most probably [like many of the prisoners] study for a degree or write letters or listen to the radio and dream haha. I am not a very disciplined person.

But one must take into consideration that Jeff is what 61 years old? And is a Lord haha. His life requires discipline, not saying mine doesn’t. Just a lesser amount. 🙂

Who am I kidding? If only I could sit myself down to study 6hrs a day…

Enough of all that rambling.

I went for the 1st round of JGs at Westwood Sec in Jurong haha! I didn’t know that Jurong Point was Boon Lay MRT station. This is how little I know about Singapore’s transport system. I resolve to change that in the coming year. 🙂

I was tempted to run to uncle lawrence’s house to say hi just for the fun of it. But then decided against it. I would be a nuisance and I would have nothing to say to them other then Hi! I am here to surprise you! Bye! And that would most probably add to their annoyance. It doesn’t help that I have 2 bimbo acting friends with me 🙂

I watched 3 debates. Not all of it, but enough to say that I did watch them.

VJIP vs FMSS
Cathigh vs NJIP
SCGS vs IJTP
Vj won and cat high won. We won! YES! Haha.

Lis was great. Wonderful. Hmm, I’ve run out of nice words. She was great lah hee. She improved tremendously! GO LIS!! I thought the 3rd speaker for FMSS had a funny way of giving a point of information 😀

Cat high won NJ. I think after seeing NJ in that bright red blazer and hearing that they also wear bright red shorts [horror of horrors!!!!] I’m having second thoughts about even going for the selection. Haha. No offence to the school. Its just the uniform.

Okay I admit, our case had its shortcomings. We forgot to include marketibilty. BUTBUTBUT, we still won and that’s what counts. 🙂 ijtp put up a good fight though.

Okay, not sure whether I can make it this Friday. Hmm.

Anyway, had a nice time of talking with sarah on the train ride home.

Church today was… church. I didn’t serve, Yiying did and she left shortly after.

Tuition on a Sunday?!!!

Ah well. Cant be helped I guess.

Had a nice talk with Eunice. [I know I have a lot of pple to catch up with. *makes a mental list*] will get around to do that soon. She’s leaving in about a week. Sigh.

6 years in AUS!! Crap, I’ve just started to get used to seeing u on Sundays…

okayokay, I have to go offline soon and I have emails to reply. (:

Every memory of looking out the back door
I Had the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor
It’s hard to say it
Time to say it
Goodbye, Goodbye
Every memory of walking out the front door
I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for
It’s hard to say it
Time to say it
Goodbye, Goodbye

I cant even look at the photographs~

-ahah!-

geesh i’m smiling again. it’s been what 2 mins? hee 🙂

=X

okay i need to go and pray abit.

-A troubled heart-

argh. I blew up again even though i promised it wouldnt happen again.

wat’s happening to me??

i have no idea. seems like the stress of math is leaking into all aspects of my life.

i dont understand how I can GET a formula and have a massive mind block in a quiz/test. Lynn says that Lau loves our class.

yeah maybe. loves everyone but me.. cuz i screw up.

she was asking us whether 15mins for that $@$%5! was too much time. i didnt even finish the test because I was trying so hard to apply her formula. then i got stuck in the 3rd question. I used up all my correction tape there. ahah! lol.

then after the test, davinia told me that out of all the questions, only the last question required that stupid [a+b]sq thing. wat the?!

i freaked out literally. and I told lynn and lynn was like wat’s wrong rachel…….. are u okay or not..?

standerd.

then i blew up this morning. and i donnt know how to face them now.

my life’s weird.

i need some self-control.