i have come here

because i have no where else to go.

these days have been a roller coaster of overwhelming emotions and big huge outbursts. i apologise formally to all my classmates for having to hear me out about you you you you you; whether they get to see this or not. i’d rather my blog become my own refuge, you read because you care, not because i invite you in to get a peek into my mind, but because you care enough to want to see what goes through my mind on windy tuesday evenings. oh long winded sentences. i have no patience for them now.

Miles Away – Carol Ann Duffy

i want you and you are not here. I pause

in this garden, breathing the colour thought is before language into still air. Even your name

is a pale ghost and, though I exhale it again

and again, it will not stay with me. Tonight

I make you up, imagine you, your movements clearer

than the words I have you say you said before.

Wherever you are now, inside my head you fix me

with a look, standing here whilst cool late light

into the earth. I have got your mouth wrong,

but it still smiles. I hold you closer, miles away,

inventing love, until the calls of nightjars

interrupt and turn what was to come, was certain,

into memory. The stars are filming us for no one.

When did I last go through something with this emotional intensity? almost exactly one year ago, and i had someone to talk to about it. someone to be my anchor through the tears. (i haven’t cried yet)

( and i won’t)

i will use reason to defeat you- monster of infatuation. and yet these things defy rational thought. you make me disconcerted. and weak.

go away.

fuck it. go away.

there i said it.