“I loved you…”

I loved you, and I probably still do,
And for a while the feeling may remain…
But let my love no longer trouble you,
I do not wish to cause you any pain.
I loved you; and the hopelessness I knew,
The jealousy, the shyness – though in vain –
Made up a love so tender and so true
As may God grant you to be loved again.

Alexander Sergeyevich Pushkin
Translated by Genia Gurarie, 11/10/95

oh the waste these two days have been! i have not gotten anything done, other than do everything else than what needs to be done.

i ate, slept,
made my mother by shoes that are more expensive than what she’s ever needed to spend
made her angry in the process too
which is something i really shouldn’t have done

i really am a pathetic little thing

to die would be an awfully great adventure

its a comfort that i’m starting to enjoy math lessons, and i’m starting to miss my sitting group even as the day draws near where we must part to different ends of our filthy classroom.

its not a swear word mind you, filthy in the literal sense, according to all our teachers.

i wish we could go to the beach this sunday. sorry girls. next time maybe.

as i grow up, i start to put on more feminine characteristics i used to take pride in not having. like shopping, greed for more material items, vanity, cliquish.

we’ll see where it goes,

everything needs to have a limit.

but cliquish needs to go, it really needs to go.

Restraint

Listening to: Sophia – Nerina Pallot

I’m thinking I should post the lyrics, because its beautiful and melancholy. But its not appropriate.

Regardless, I went shopping today (: I’m bankrupt now, officially. But i have lovely earrings muahaha

I will not do anything to separate myself from God

that includes being angry with you.

marshmallow pink

now listening: Saviour King – Hillsong

quote of yesterday:

“can you take picture with her?” –danitza hon

5 interesting things

1) We freaked out a poor boy at the secret recipe.

No, DANNE freaked the poor boy out.

We were having lunch at the secret recipe and i told her i thought the boy was cute (chummy cute cuz he has a baby face) and his mannerisms so little boyish. I think he’s slightly mentally disabled. Yeah I know! Awww.

Yes and guess who victimised him? hahahaha. =)

2) I never thought serious discussions could be so funny.

“YOU HAVE TO DO THIS RACHEL!”

“LISTEN TO ME”

the ever solemn “rachel. you know, if you do this…”

and the exasperated

“RACHEL!! IF YOU DO THAT, YOU’RE GOING TO ______!!!”

Thankyou danni. i love you so much ❤

3) We went shopping, I actually wanted to. haha. We didnt visit Espirit though and I really wanted to.

4) I went jogging later in the evening, and something went wrong lah. System went haywire. Maybe its called severe case of unfitness (although I doubt it) or i havent really recovered from the flu.

I had a headache that resembled that time I took an overdosage of medicine. I couldn’t get up from the couch, i felt like i had a rock tied to my forehead.

It was not a nice experience.

5) Oceans 13

I couldnt get the first half. The people are freaking MUMBLING and i didnt wear my specs and there werent any subtitles.

It was hilarious though, and it was the subtle, amusing, dry kind of humour.

My kind of humour =)

I love being amused. Seriously.

I loved the last part when that guy was on opera trying to explain why he donated 72 million/billion to orphans on tv. HAHA.

hmm. let’s see, what do I get amused by?

ah yes. funky accents, people who can do accents will never fail to make me laugh. of course it depends, you either have to be GOOD or horribly bad and make me laugh. hehe.

snoopy? =)

everything? lol. I was thinking about the tv thing on the way home from the movie and i couldnt help smiling to myself. I think people thought I was crazy =D

Discomfort

yes, you.

you who takes that morning jog every day, you pass that same couple every day as your feet pad along the gravel and produce thud-thud sounds you try and drown out with your music. you were never one for all things natural. as always, they push a grocery trolley, and they voices are of indecipherable murmurs, and you wonder at the way they never ever run out of things to say to each other.

the lines that dance as their faces crumple into genuine smiles, the kind rarely observable in the life you lead. where the laughable only consists of jokes made at the expense of others, smiles simply white teeth and upturned brows. soulless expressions of nothing. nothing at all. and yet, this…

you wonder at the way they both push the trolley with such ease, how their hands never fail to find each other. how they settle into the comfort of one another’s company so naturally, and how the ruckus from morning traffic never so much as creases their serenity.

the song playing is some random classical rock piece of violins, electric guitars and a booming base. they help you maintain your tempo. you bounce in your jog.

you watch expectantly as you approach the familiar bend in the road, and there! you spot a faint shadow.

and yet, only the solitary figure of the man.

you slow slightly, trying to gather your thoughts. you watch his face, any signs of a clue. yet you only see a small smile and a little sparkle beneath those droopy eyelids. his two hands grip the trolley harder than his one hand did, when hers were beside his.

yet the serenity about him remained. oh yes, you spotted some changes, some alteration in mannerisms, he listened more, he had begun scanned his surroundings. maybe when she was around, the only thing he was interested in pushed the trolley with him. now he kept himself occupied with other things of interest. you are intrigued.

should you enquire after her absence? you have always been shy, but this is too much for you to bear. before you can change your mind, you quicken your pace and approach him. you tap his shoulder gently.

“uhh, a lone reed today eh?”

“the missus? oh she left yesterday night”

“left?”

you are confused. you probe further.

“to where i will be too when my time comes”

it sinks in after a moment. you catch his meaning. goodness, you were never good with your languages.

“i am sorry for your loss”

you finally find the words.

“no no no, none of that necessary. she is with me still.”

“she is?” you blurt out, not understanding.

“i still feel it, our love. it will never leave me. don’t worry about me son, i see it in your eyes. you will come to understand if you come to find someone as beautiful as she.”

you study his eyes, which are, you realise, a wondrous shade of hazel brown.

and you believe.

divorce

listening: Calling You – Blue October

goodbye to the autumn fall
to the red orange and gold
i used to run with my arms wide open
now i run no longer

goodbye to the mist which escapes my lips
to the chilly morning breeze
i used to warm my hands in yours
now i am warm no more

goodbye to the youthfulness of spring
to the blooming wild flowers
we used to waltz in the garden
now you stand alone

i bathe in the sun of summer
i sing to the birds
i reach for new hope
now i am free.

slain;

I feel quite different, quite brand new.

My journey to be a woman after God’s own hard still remains a long arduous one, but at least the barricades have been lifted. Truly, it is your sin that separates you from God, i have never felt the truth burn so fiercely.

I don’t think our youth ministry has ever been touched the way it was this camp. Face down worship, praying out loud, praying openly for God’s touch.

The fire, the desire, truly, as YMPACT we burned for God that night.

It probably was the best Sunday the Chapel has ever experienced yesterday, I don’t think we have ever been more sincere.

My prayer is that we won’t turn back from here, that we will continue touching those within the ministry as well as extend our reach to the lost souls outside our church walls. I don’t ever want to return to the dreary Sunday worships where we bring our weariness and our nonchalance into the place of worship, and let it linger and continue to tie us down.

I want church to be a place where we are cleansed of our burdens, where we can return to our worlds refreshed, having been touched by the Spirit of God and having experienced true love from Christian fellowship.

❤

debate camp [3] ’07

There’s no glam photos since its the first day, ha! I don’t think there will be anyway since a) we’re not going to sentosa and b) i’m facillitating so i’ll be making people do stupid things for me instead of doing them.

MUA HA HA HA =)

Adjudicating was fun and enriching. Its good to be able to observe the debate from that angle. During the second debate, the one with mr wong thai yong in it, half the time i wanted to poi them and the other half i was itching to debate. wah. shiok. hahaha

its nice to be on fire for something again.

for that split few seconds.

was mostly sick today. headache, blocked nose, blocked years, almost got fever.

shall go sleep now. sigh. sleepsleepsleep..

*konk*

she loves you. and its different with me. it has to be.

I remember this.

BOY: I need someone to talk to ..
GiRL: I’m always here for you.
BOY: I know.
GiRL: Whats wrong?
BOY: I like her *s0o* much..
GiRL: Talk to her.
BOY: I don’t know.. she`ll never like me.
GiRL: Don’t say that. You’re amazing.
BOY: I just wanna tell her how I feel ..
GiRL: Then tell her.
BOY: She won’t like me.
GiRL: How do you know that?
BOY: I can just tell.
GiRL: Well, just tell her.
BOY: What should I say?
GiRL: Tell her how much you like her.
BOY: I tell her that daily.
GiRL: What do you mean?
BOY: I’m always with her. I love her.
GiRL: I know how you feel. I have the same problem. But he’ll never like me.
BOY: Wait. Who do you like?
GiRL: Ooh, some boy..
BOY: Ooh, she won’t like me either.
GiRL: She does.
BOY: How do you know.. ?
GIRL: Because who wouldn’t like you?
BOY: You..
GiRL: You’re wrong. I love you.
BOY: I love you too.
GiRL: .. so are you going to talk to her?
BOY: I just did.

i have one ridiculous history i tell you. i am so relieved i locked my past blog entries. Seriously.

So singlishified- and epitome of immaturity. I cannot believe you read my blogpost and… -.-

hahaa. ha ha ha.

so funny

i am feeling particularly sardonic today.

you taught me how.

aaron bradley and me

Flying without wings
Westlife

Everybody’s looking for that something
One thing that makes it all complete
You’ll find it in the strangest places
Places you never knew it could be

Some find it in the face of their children
Some find it in their lover’s eyes
Who can deny the joy it brings
When you’ve found that special thing
You’re flying without wings

Some find it sharing every morning
Some in their solitary lives
You’ll find it in the words of others
A simple line can make you laugh or cry

You’ll find it in the deepest friendship
The kind you cherish all your life
And when you know how much that means
You’ve found that special thing
You’re flying without wings

So, impossible as they may seem
You’ve got to fight for every dream
Cos who’s to know which one you let go
Would have made you complete?

Well, for me it’s waking up beside you
To watch the sunrise on your face
To know that I can say I love you
In any given time or place

It’s little things that only I know
Those are the things that make you mine
And it’s like flying without wings
Cos you’re my special thing
I’m flying without wings

And you’re the place my life begins
And you’ll be where it ends

I’m flying without wings
And that’s the joy you bring
I’m flying without wings

oh the beauty of author god..