hide and seek

where are we?

what the hell is

going on

the dust has only just

began

to

fall

i slept on the bus, listening to Switchfoot’s Learning to Breathe
got off the bus, listening to Muse’s Unintended and thinking about

how i might’ve found my Unintended

and about the broken pieces of the life I had before

the life I had before

I was concentrating on the cracks on the concrete floor, the way the water flowed to the breeze,

the music was so loud i scarcely heard

then I looked up

and i saw you.

and I imagined I have thought I have pondered
would we stop dead in our tracks?

who would smile first? would you be able to look me in the eyes

like i used to like to swim in yours

would you have a girl, and i a boy?

what would we say?

but today, you did not even see me

navybluedryfitwhitethreequarterswithasportsshoulderbag

i studied myself in the mrt windowswasisounrecognisable?soinvisible?

did i blendintothebackground?

greyshoesbecky’sbagdishevelledhairpimpleonthechinglassesshorthairtiredeyesskirtalittletoolongvjuniform

then i thought about all the girls i laughed at who looked at themselves in the mirro and meticulously arranged their hair, neatened their blouses, checked their teeth

did they just meet their boy

a lost love they have been waiting to see for four years?

for everything we’ve been through i thought we really would have met

you with your baby

and i with mine

but when i saw you it was strangely like how we were when we were

alone

i in my life and you in yours

and we just happened to cross

that one day

just like today.

i paused and stared ifeltmyheartjumpintomythroat

i turned and walked on

on

on

moverachelwalkon

at the escalator i turned back to clutch my racing heart and see you walk further and further and further away from me

and it was always me, who watched you walk away

yiying: did you say hi?
rachel: no..
yiying: why?
rachel: He didn’t see me. I just stared. It was beyond me. Honestly. I still can’t believe it.

I’ll be there as soon as i can
But Im busy mending broken pieces of the life I had before
Before you

i have come here

because i have no where else to go.

these days have been a roller coaster of overwhelming emotions and big huge outbursts. i apologise formally to all my classmates for having to hear me out about you you you you you; whether they get to see this or not. i’d rather my blog become my own refuge, you read because you care, not because i invite you in to get a peek into my mind, but because you care enough to want to see what goes through my mind on windy tuesday evenings. oh long winded sentences. i have no patience for them now.

Miles Away – Carol Ann Duffy

i want you and you are not here. I pause

in this garden, breathing the colour thought is before language into still air. Even your name

is a pale ghost and, though I exhale it again

and again, it will not stay with me. Tonight

I make you up, imagine you, your movements clearer

than the words I have you say you said before.

Wherever you are now, inside my head you fix me

with a look, standing here whilst cool late light

into the earth. I have got your mouth wrong,

but it still smiles. I hold you closer, miles away,

inventing love, until the calls of nightjars

interrupt and turn what was to come, was certain,

into memory. The stars are filming us for no one.

When did I last go through something with this emotional intensity? almost exactly one year ago, and i had someone to talk to about it. someone to be my anchor through the tears. (i haven’t cried yet)

( and i won’t)

i will use reason to defeat you- monster of infatuation. and yet these things defy rational thought. you make me disconcerted. and weak.

go away.

fuck it. go away.

there i said it.

(Its alright)

“If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing” 1 Cor 13:1-2

(by Melissa Otto, who came by our church last Sunday, 1st February)

I will talk now. (I am listening to Creep by Radiohead. Its a beautiful song, it was their first single. They proceeded to write many other songs about alienation)

(I am secretly proud, selfish and mean)

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy,

Today’s the fourth day of Orientation. (and I am surprised) eleanor’s conclusion about my friendship disabilities surfaced today. “it does not boast, it is not proud.”

I have many opinions. I need to be able to keep it in. To exercise some sort of discretion when I talk. oh rachel.

“It is not rude, it is not self-seeking” what are you trying to prove? (what do you want?)

You need to get it right with God, rachel ong. start packing your IP books out of your shelf, and clear your dusty shelves of emotional and spiritual mess. (mess) “it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth”

(i have nothing more to give, i said.) “it always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres”

(i want to love y[Y]ou.) because weeks of running has led me right back to You.

“But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect, keeping a clear conscience so that those who speak maliciously against your good behaviour in Christ may be ashamed of their slander“1 Peter 3:15-16

(but they don’t slander, I am.)

you can start today. (He knows all that you go through)

i ache.

come baby come baby come

come over to Me

come baby come baby come here

I long to make you free

Let me take your rags

Clothe you whiter than snow

lead you in the way

of life you long to know

(all of my world resting on Your love)

Its Alright, Melissa Otto

I Cor 13

Come Baby, Melissa Otto

Let Your Love Be Strong, Switchfoot

Folly

God cannot give us a happiness and peace apart from Himself, because it is not there. There is no such thing.

C.S Lewis

Franciscan Benediction

May God Bless you with discomfort

At easy answers, half-truths, and superficial relationships

So that you may live deep within your heart.

May God bless you with anger

At injustice, oppression, and exploitation of people,

So that you may work for justice, freedom and peace.

May God bless you with tears

To shed for those who suffer pain, rejection, hunger and war,

So that you may reach out your hand to comfort them and

To turn their pain into joy.

And may God bless you with enough foolishness

To believe that you can make a difference in the world,

So that you can do what others claim cannot be done

To bring justice and kindness to all our children and the poor.

Amen.

I gather its amazing at how little we pray, and seek Him, when He is faithfully with us every minute of everyday. I read through the first day’s devotion briefly during recess today while pondering over (yes at the same time) what I should fast. Seems like God has sort of given me the answer. (:

It was a brief skim through, but what caught my eye was this:

Have we reduced Christianity to a great buffet, and ourselves, the self-serving consumers? Do we pick and choose whatever we fancy from the Word, and skip the parts we don’t like?

For example, in times of loneliness and need, we affirm that Jesus is always with us, even to the end of the age. But we forget that this promise of His abiding presence was given after He commissioned His disciples to (make disciples of all nations) take the gospel to the ends of the earth. (matt 28:18-20) We seek His blessings, but withhold our wholehearted devotion to His purpose.

Sometimes I feel that my life is made up of many pieces of cut paper. When I go to school, somehow, I transform into a different person. Someone who hungers after a level of acceptance; being carelessly loud and brash; allowing the expectations of this world to get to me.

I had a silent retreat in the last week of the holidays with Danne at the beach. Somewhere along the way I was forced to accept that grades don’t matter. Even if i fail every single subject I should have the joy of the Lord to sustain me. This is of course not to renounce the importance of hard work, diligence and striving to be all that you can be (yada yada). I awakened to the fact that my stress, my moments of loss, anxiety were borne of the overdependence upon the need to succeed. and to what purpose?

“I undertook great projects: I built houses for myself and planted vineyards. I made gardens and parks and planted all kinds of fruit trees in them… I became greater by far than anyone in Jerusalem before me. In all this my wisdom stayed with me.  I denied myself nothing…Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done, and what I had toiled to achieve, everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind; nothing was gained under the sun.” Ecc 2: 4-11

“What does a man get for all the toil and anxious striving with which he labors under the sun? All his days his work is pain and grief; even at night his mind does not rest. This too is meaningless. A man can do nothing better than to eat and drink and find satisfaction in His work. This too, I see is from the hand of God, for without him, who can eat or find enjoyment?” Ecc 3: 22-24

If our lives were shaped by God, to be lived for God; where we’re given the opportunity to seek God and find Him that we may enjoy the fullness if His goodness and grace; and yet we let the world’s definition of what is good cause us pain and endless misery. I am agitated. I struggle with it. I cannot begin to describe how nervous I was for bio results today and how afraid I am that about LA – that I will not match up to the standards of my peers, the expectations of my teachers, and my own foolish pride which tells me that I need to be better.

I need to RISE beyond. We all do. And God help us, Father help us.

“Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen:

to loose the chains of injustice

and untie the cords of the yoke

to set the oppressed free

and break every yoke?

Is it not to share your food with the hungry

and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter-

when you see the naked, to clothe him,

and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?”

Isaiah 58:6,7

And may God bless you with enough foolishness

To believe that you can make a difference in the world,

So that you can do what others claim cannot be done

To bring justice and kindness to all our children and the poor.

Chopin Nocturne in C Sharp Minor

i think i don’t love my dad enough. not enough to show it.

i was surfing through the results of ‘imun@ac’  on google (mine’s the second on the list of search results) and i realised, mine was probably the most selfish, self-centered blog post of them all. NUMBERONE;indecipherable allusions NUMBERTWO; one picture, and personal note NUMBERTHREE; no details whatsoever. NUMBERFOUR; emo mood.

i am disgusted at myself.

sometimes i wonder about why i don’t blog about things that matter. i know people who post about politics, post articles, post essays, good poetry, and commentaries on the latest electrical appliances. i post about crap.

maybe its because i don’t think about things that matter.

like this post is another self-centered post. rachel, your life screams ME.

Joann knows more about current affairs than me. i don’t even read the newspaper. rawr.

IMUN@AC

i have alot of things to say about IMUN. but i shan’t say it here. When i get my scrapbook/photoalbum, i’ll pour my heart like ink on scrap paper and scream at you like i’ve never done before, except you don’t get to hear any of it.

there were good things too- making friends, going crazy, and being stunningly inappropriate because i walked away with some undeserved glory as well. completely undeserved. ah well. i hope i made good friends-otherwise, i wasted a full 3 days of my time listening to redundant arguments, and fiery speeches. i hope that the brave and forceful words are spoken by people who have the same courage to affect change in the future. what’s it all for otherwise?

Hi elaine! (: Thanks for all the support and encouragement. you’ve been a blessing!

HEY YOU OTHER IMUN PEOPLE. TAKE CARE AND GOD BLESS! (:

The Survey from the Yings.

a) People who have been tagged must write their answers in their blogs
Replace any question they dislike with a new question formulated by themselves.
b) Tag some people to do this quiz and those who are tagged cannot refuse.These people must state who they are tagged by. Continue this game by sending it to other people.

SIGH.

#1: If your lover betrayed you, what will your reaction be?
Mope. Not think about it, and watch alot of tv/ read alot of books. > < I handle my grief badly.

#2: What kind of people you dislike?
The insensitive, unappreciative sort?

#3: What will your dream wedding be like?
I will get a daisy bouquet!! That’s all that I can imagine at the moment. (I haven’t seen any nice weddings to form a basis for a dream wedding)

#4: Are you hungry?
No. If  i eat anymore, I will barf thai food.

#5: What’s your ideal lover like?
He loves God more than he loves me, and loves me more than he loves anybody else. (: Big hands. 😀 Sensitive. Committed. Enchanting. (:

#6: Which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone?
The former is the model answer.

#7: How long do you intend to wait for someone you really love?
As long as I love that person.

#8: If the person you secretly like (if there isn’t one, just imagine) is already attached, what would you do?
Mope. (See above) Then move on.

#9: Is there anything that has made you unhappy these days?
Oh ho ho ho. Yes.

#10: Is there anything that has made you happy these days?
Yes. Netball. Narnia (: Family.

#11: How do you see yourself in ten years time?
Husband, kid, house with hammock and alot of books.

#12: Who are currently the most important people to you?
The Family, the Bestfriend, the Goodfriend who is away at camp, Kids at school, Worm, Netballers (no team, no netball)

#13: What kind of person do you think the person who tagged you is?
Enchanting.

#14: Would you rather be single and rich, or married but poor?
Married to who?! with how many kids? how poor? ENGAGED AND RICH!

#15: What’s the first thing you do every morning?
Pee.

#16: Would you give it all in a relationship?
nonononononono. -.- ya.

#17: If you fall in love with two people simultaneously, who would you pick?
Neither; chances are that are I love neither.

#18: Would you rather be friend with a geek who is a really nice guy or a super hot dude who really isn’t that nice to you (treats you badly as a friend etc) ?
GEEK.

#19: What are your friends usually like?
Good listeners (: Faithful, fun loving, kind and TOLERANT 😀

#20: What would you do if you had one day left in the world?
I should start planning 😀

People to tag:
1) Danitza.
2) Vanessa
3) Leslie
4) Davinia
5) errr. WHO READS MY BLOG AGAIN?

Mark 1:14-15 (New King James Version)

Now after John was put in prison, Jesus came to Galilee, preaching the gospel of the kingdom of God, and saying, “The time is fulfilled, and the kingdom of God is at hand. Repent, and believe in the gospel.”

(emphasis mine)

I have been listening to Paul Washer’s sermons. The ‘shocking one’ and the ‘dating one’ on danni’s blog. (do you know that my mum calls you danni? hahaha) Everybody should watch the ‘shocking one’ to examine yourselves to see whether you are in the faith (2 Cor 13:5).

I was afraid. I was afraid because I had missed the obviousness of the truth. How many times have I flipped to that page of my bible with the passage about the Narrow Gate, and the Fruit, and the Wise and Foolish men who built their houses on the rock and on the sand? (I turn to that page alot. I have no idea why)

ah well.

Matthew 7:21-23 (NIV)

“Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. Many will say to me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles?’ Then I will tell them plainly, ‘I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!’

i’m thinking….

that i want to cook! (: like gosh, i just wanna plan meals, and chop up ingredients..!! WASH DISHES!! EAT MY FOOD!!<3

problem with taking up a new hobby is, that you never know when to start. You have to bug yourself. I always had my mummy to bug me, I always bug other people. But its so difficult to bug myself. Gee. Haahaa! Let’s see. I’m always fantasizing about making dessert like honey dew sago, the sago dessert with brown sugar? CAKE?? muffinsmuffins!!

Thai food? Ohman, american hamburgers, and my auntie’s own clam chowder! (which is very expensive seeing how one can of clams are 8 bucks in the supermarket now). KOREAN FOOD. kimchi is driving me nuts! I never thought i’d love the taste of kimchi by itself- I can just scoop a spoonfull and eat it with rice! Like seriously. I can drink kimchi soup, eat kimchi omelette, have it fried in fried rice? But NOTHING is like eating it on its own (: My dad has a wonderful colleague who’s korean, and she makes fabulicious kimchi. *drools*

I wanna learn how to make korean kimchi from cabbage-vinegar scratch!! (:

The wonderful sourish brown salad sauce they serve at NewYork New York? I wanna make my own dips too! I fantasize about organising my own cocktail parties. If I really am, (after doing it for awhile, and I discover along the way that I’m) passionate for this cooking thingy, and I happen to be good at it, (and don’t cause people to die of food poisoning or disgust) CAN YOU IMAGINE MAKING A LIVING OUT OF THIS? (:

I’m thinking about money and worrying about money all the time now this must so so stop. Haha.

But then being rich just… You know people entertain thoughts about having a carefree lifestyle, without having to work or worry about anything. Tea with their friends at high end restaurants or cafes, endless browsing in boutiques, setting up a cake shop and not bothering whether you earn money or not. Manicuring your nails, keeping fit at the gym, dancing for fun. boring.

I think that being normal gives you freedom status and wealth takes away. I like my mum. She doesn’t care two hoots about what people think about her. She sets her own expectations, not living in a cave of course, but decides what she believes in, and she sticks to it. She buys what she wants to buy, wears what she wants to wear, and doesn’t care about the latest fashion. She sets trends on her own. See, I like that. When you enter the ‘rich circle’ there is constant pressure, or rather, I think I would be subjected to pressure about dressing presentable (standards of presentable would probably change every week), updating the wardrobe following the latest trends, or at least, wearing something that resembles it; I don’t know, what else is there?

Being normal is being free. Hahaha. Maybe I’m naive, maybe I don’t know that much yet. I don’t know. I like the image of a 4 room flat. Homey. Peach walls and wooden flooring. A nice sofa in the living room with a printed scarf on it to add colour. One painting, and many pictures. A DVD collection in one corner, and a shelf full of books on the other.

I read this book – bamboo and lace by lori wick, I’ve read it 2 or 3 times, I don’t remember- and I actually want to buy it. I’m definitely heading down to SKS this week. I have so many christian fiction novels I want to buy! In the book, there’s this big family that owns a resort in hawaii! (: Its so homely. 3 families sharing the house I think. Brothers and sisters. The children play, they have bible study, they go surfing! They have this resort pool- during the off peak season, because water is a very important thing in the lives of this family, they have this schedule chart, where the married couples can spend time in private bonding, and catching up in the pool. They just need to book a slot. How organised. HAHA! (:

I’m going all over place. What I’m thinking remember? (:

lalalala